Today is July 4th, 2012, a bit after midnight. Vernon’s asleep and the dogs are snoring down under the covers. But I’m parked in my laughin’ place, too excited to sleep. Cuddled in my green wicker rocker, laptop on knees—no room for the laptop on the lap, folks.
And I’m counting down 15 days until I begin a journey that’s a bit different from any I ever embarked on before. In some small ways, it’s a journey back in time. (See the photo of me taken in Nassau that’s just before this post—I don’t know how to move it to this one). It’s the ‘before before’ picture of me BEFORE I swelled up and swallowed that skinny person. But I’m going to find her. Even if I have to go back in time.
Back to when I weighed about 125. And that my friends, is about 120 pounds ago. Nowadays I waddle around at close to 253 lbs, do you realize that’s as much as 2 of my friends? Four or even five small children? 63 bags of sugar? 12 small dogs? Good grief, guys, I’m a whole NEIGHBORHOOD!!
But in more ways than one, it’s a journey of a different kind. A journey that will be difficult, and new, and challenging, and more fun than I can imagine right now. Uphill much of the way, wanting to quit at times—I was once told I tend to give up too easily on things. But not this time. I’ve discussed this with the Lord and we both agree that it’s time. Time for me to put the Spirit where my mouth is. To “taste and see that the Lord is good” (Psalm 34:7).
On July 19th I’ll be having a procedure that will enable me to lose about 100 lbs over the next 6-9 months. Does that frighten me? Not at all. Not the food part. I’ll feel awkward for my friends who won’t know how to act when I’m eating tiny amounts, and feeling sorry for me if I miss a cookie, or a special treat of some kind. I don’t want that to happen, but it will. I’ve come to realize that my real food is the smiles of those I love; the laughter around me, the tears of compassion, the struggles and encouragement that we share with each other.
But (this is for all you pals who care so much, just so you know in advance…) I’ve thought long and hard about this. About all the church suppers, the cake and coffee, the pizzas at midnight, Braum’s after church, the popcorn, oh, man, the ENDLESS popcorn that I’ve consumed and could enjoy consuming in the future. Well, just listen to this, I mean REALLY listen: if you had to walk around trapped inside this fat suit that I’ve been wearing for years, and realize that your whole life you’ll be remembered as that sweet fat gal (“she has such a pretty face” is the way we always described the fat gals at my parents’ house growing up)…if you had to endure that, to know that your legacy for 12 grandchildren is eating more than your legs could carry, and more than your body could process—that a continuous medicating of high calorie, low-satisfaction foods is the way you’ve learned to cope with trials and that this is the life lesson you’re writing on their hearts—you would feel the same.
When I think of what I want to teach those kids, I realize that food is just not that important. The message I want to give my family, my friends, and anyone else who cares to hear me is that the impact of my life after I am gone (and the focus while I am still here) will be the love for Jesus Christ and the ability to impact others for Him; the honest relationships that I established; the memories of times spent together—those are the stuff, the richness, the desserts of life.
And when it’s all been said and it’s all been done, I really don’t believe that any flavor of ice cream or pop will enter into the situation at all. So will I miss eating all that I want? I’ll miss the ‘easy comfort’—the false comfort–of reaching for a bag of chips. But now that I’m changing what I actually want and how I go about getting it, it just doesn’t matter anymore. It’s a brand new day.
And He that sat upon the throne said, “Behold, I make all things new”. Revelation 21:5